This film contains very strong language.
STATIC HUMS
HUMMING CONTINUES
What are you doing?
It's for my nerves. I'm just relaxing this morning.
I'm glad you're relaxing. And what...? What is this?
Have you been outside in these? Is that mud?
Yeah, well, as long as we're sort of out the door in 15 minutes,
we'll be down there in four hours, I think, so midday.
Yeah, it's just whether the M25 is moving or...
Yeah, obviously, four hours in...
Colin?
David's coming.
Right. Is he?
Is that all right?
You're not happy about that, no?
No, of course I'm happy. Yeah. It'll be good to see him.
Yeah. Did you...? You just...
Did you talk to anyone about that or was that just your...?
No, I haven't spoken to Dad.
I just thought...what the right thing is to do for Mum.
About a group decision, no, otherwise I would have called you,
but I knew what the response would be.
So it's been long enough, hasn't it? Well, Mum needs to see him and...
No, I'm not... Look, I can't...
I've got a bad line here anyway. I'm losing you.
Yeah, sorry. Just...
Yeah, sorry, Gin...
Oh...keep going.
I'm a bit what?
Colin?
Hello, Gin?
Colin...
Don't. Yeah, I can hear you. I'm a bit what?
No, you... Ah... Sorry, Gin.
You're a robot, Gin.
Yeah...uh...I can't...uh...
My brother's coming.
Yeah, Gini's invited him.
It's fair that Dave's coming, isn't it?
I think it's right to invite him.
I have no opinion on the matter.
You never have an opinion on a matter. Your family...
The idea was that it was a surprise for my mum.
Yeah. It's going to be a surprise, yeah. It will be a surprise.
Have you seen my puffer?
Yes, please. That would be good.
Fran, I haven't seen you in, like, two minutes. Where are you?
It's all right, I've got it.
Is that why you invited Dave?
What do you mean?
Thanks.
You know, to fuck it all up.
She hasn't seen him for five years, Warren!
WATER BOILS
MAN GROANS Oh, yeah... Oh, God.
Oh, boy.
Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy... Oh...
HE COUGHS
There's literally nothing to look forward to about the New Year.
Why are we going?
Please, let's just, you know, pretend it's not happening.
Cos there will be a lot of fun today, by order of our son.
It's stressing me out. We've got to do a four-hour drive
because he's decided to drag us all the way to fucking Dorset.
It's miles, yeah, and the traffic will be a nightmare
at this time of year. I, erm...
I have to talk to him about a loan.
Well, how bad is it?
It's boring. It's a liquidity problem, really.
Boring. It's not worth talking about.
All right? It'll be nice. It'll be a nice time.
Oh. What?
Can you not see when you're being punished?
Are you drinking later?
Oh, no, no. Definitely not, no.
It's a day off for me.
Dry... Dry January starts on Hogmanay.
Dry January, oh... I've had quite enough since Christmas.
Right, are we all good? Are we good to go?
OWL HOOTS Oh!
Do you do that to me, do you? What?
The robot?
The robot? No, I've...never d...
..that when...
VAL LAUGHS
You don't even know who Norman Collier is, do you, babe?
I'll get out and get all the stuff out the boot.
We'll get that and all that in a bit. Great. This is amazing, baby.
Your mum's going to love this.
It's like fucking Downtown.
Yeah. Oh, come on...
Hi!
Hey, baby... Hey.
Hey, baby...
Hey, how do you do?
Welcome! Hello. You must be Mr Burstead.
Colin. And this is Val... Hi.
..our baby Jamie and... Hello. How do you do?
Hi. Nice to meet you. Hi, hi, hi.
This is Fran, that's my older daughter.
How do you do? I'm Richard. Welcome to Cumberland House.
Today and tonight it is Burstead Hall.
Marvellous. Please, please, please, come in.
OK.
Here's the left corridor, so off you go, in there...
Where are you going?
Exploring. Oh.
This is the original Lord Cumberland.
I actually found this painting on eBay. Right. Yes.
He's just trying to rub everyone's nose in it.
He's so transparent, it's ridiculous.
PHONE BUZZES Oh, great.
They're here in ten minutes.
Wow, a swimming pool.
SHE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE
I'm looking forward to this.
Could you hold this for me, please? Thank you. Mm-hm.
The old man...
Oh, and there's Maya and Nikhil as well. Yeah.
Do you think they live together?
Hello! Hi, Sandy! Ooh!
Hi!
Oh. How are you? Mmm. I'm well.
I'm good. How about you? Thank God you're here.
Are you all right with all that stuff?
Good.
Look at you! Hi, Nan! You are so grown-up. Hey.
Did I buy you that dress?
Show us the way to the... Yes, I did.
Where's the baby?
I was just saying to Maya, he is in bed. Do you want to...?
Oh, yes. I know, right?
They're here, Nina. They're here. Oh, thanks, Richard.
Go through and take...
Go round to your left, there's sort of a round room.
A round room? Creepy picture of the Lord.
Can I help in any way?
Yeah, you could tell them where the drinks are,
just in case they want to get stuck in.
Eh? Oh, don't judge!
Yeah, sorry, it's always sunset somewhere, isn't it?
There's still something going on there. Are you all right?
Just go through and to your left, Mum.
Oh, oh... Oh! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Someone... Are you OK? For fuck's sake!
My ankle, ah! Sandy, be careful with your head as well.
Did you hit your head? What happened? Don't move her.
It might be... Colin, help your mum!
Is she all right, yeah?
All right? All right? Yeah?
Ain't got to call an ambulance within 30 seconds of you turning up?
I hope it's all right.
Building regs don't apply to these old buildings, I'm afraid.
Oh, is that right, is it? Right...
I hope you've got some public liability insurance.
Oh, I'll check straight away.
Maybe, Nikhil, you could go ahead and check for nonregulation steps
or dodgy handrails.
We're off to a good start, aren't we? Yeah, yeah, exactly, mate, yeah.
I'm glad you're here. Let's get you inside.
Four hours it took to get here, you know? Did it? Right, sorry, mate.
Your husband... I know. You know what he's like in a crisis.
My ankle. Ow! OK.
Oh, Sandy, your coat, it's all dirty as well.
This is terrible. Bloody hell!
Christ.
It's like a wedding cake. My legs are cramped.
Looking good. Thanks.
Lost weight. Nerves. But it suits you.
Oh, thanks. Just got to nip to the loo. Busting.
Does she know Dave's coming?
Oh, fuck.
Come on, let's get you in. Are we going too quick
or is this an all right pace? Yeah, it's through...
If you go to the end and go to the right,
there's one just through there. Perfect. Thank you.
When you've got to go, you've got to go, eh? Can we have a word later?
What, today? A bit warmer in there, as well.
Just sooner rather than later.
Hello, Uncle Bertie.
Hi, Gini. How are you? Are you all right? You're looking good.
Are you all right? You look a bit green around the gills.
Something's repeating on her.
Oh, yeah?
Are you coming in? Ah, well... Hello.
Four hours.
Yeah, I know.
LAUGHTER OK.
Hi. Good to see you.
I just don't want to get caught up in the festivities before we just...
Oh, you're thinking about everyone else, sort of thing? Yeah.
Yeah? Yeah, no, always, ever magnanimous, Dad.
HORN HONKS
Sorry? You fell on a step?
Well... Are you the manager here?
Yes. Oh, that's actually my...
He's Lord Cumberland. Yes, it's my house, yes.
Yeah? Well, Lord, that step is a deathtrap. Deathtrap.
I'm so sorry. Which one?
Front. Front door, front door.
All right, yes, yes, yes. The one coming in!
Gosh. That's awful. I know. I'm sorry.
I'll tell you what, if you pop through there,
it's nice and comfortable. I'll get the first-aid box.
Right, well, get onto that.
Are you all right, Warren? How are you doing, mate?
Are you all right, mate? You nearly run me over!
All right, Warren? What are you doing, taking a shit?
No, I've got cramp in my leg.
Are you all right?
Bugger, bugger... Hi.
Lady Burstead's taken a tumble.
Oh, that was quick.
Are you all right? Are you all right? Dodgy step, apparently.
Oh... Well, you know, let's not jump to conclusions.
Is it in there? Oh, God.
I really, really do need to go.
Can you believe this place?
The size of the cunt!
Yeah. What, are you jealous, Dad?
Just follow me. Yeah? Yes, carry on, everything's fine.
I'm disgusted.
Do you see that?
That is how big a brain is.
Do you want a drink? I'll get you some ice.
Is there brandy? I don't know... Lift it.
Isn't it better when you lift it up?
Something that big owns all this. They don't even live in it.
They just rent it out just to...
You've been on the fucking internet again, haven't you?
Ow, ow, ooh! Careful, careful!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Mum, Mum, stop fussing.
It is not that bad.
Erm, it's actually my leg, not yours. How can you tell?
There we go, lavatory. OK.
Erm, enjoy.
Come the revolution, mark my words...
HE IMITATES MACHINE-GUN SOUNDS
Come on, Warren.
Do you want me to do anything, Nan?
I'm fine, darling, just...
Are you sure? Yeah, take that. The scarf?
That bloody wonky step. I suppose it's 1,000 years old.
Well, yes, it is from the...
Gini! Hi!
Hello. What are you doing here?
Skivvying.
A slave for Colin?
Hello. Hey, guys!
Happy New Year. Happy New Year.
Give it to Jimmy. Jimmy, wind some tape around there, would you?
I'll do it. Do you not want taking up the hospital?
Just let her sit with it. If you're... It's fine.
You might have broken it.
If you're all all right, maybe I'll go and have a look at the step.
I really, really wouldn't bother.
Is this all yours, is it? I'll hold your hand.
Yes, yes, it is. Yes.
Are you a lord?
Well, erm, yes. Yes.
I suppose I am.
It's good to see the feudal system's alive and well.
Yes, yes.
How do you feel about having all the plebs round your house?
It's actually nice to have some life here, actually.
I'm just going to...
Yeah, that's good, that's good. Yeah?
Does anybody want a drink?
New Year is always...
Yeah, OK, OK.
Yeah, New Year's always shit, mate.
HE GRUNTS
Friend of the family. Just making up the numbers. Yeah.
Fuck me, this is a nice house.
Uncle Bertie, how are you? All right.
How was the drive? Bertie ain't dead? No, I'm OK.
How was the drive?
Fucking long. Yeah.
Richard, have you seen my husband? Sorry, no, erm...
But we could go and look for him if you'd like.
I'm not impressed with this place. Are you?
Oh, you're not? No.
Bedsit sort of geezer, ain't you, Dad?
Well, I've adapted to it, you know?
Your mum's better off with the house.
Anyway, so we'll start here. This is the reception room.
Ooh, look, there's alcohol over there.
Do you want a drink? I would.
Amazing. Yes, isn't that lovely?
It's very hot in here. It is, isn't it? Yes.
Well, you know, don't you? What?
Well, Jackie and I separated.
Oh, yes, of course. Yeah. I'm sorry about that.
No, it's all right. Yeah.
I bet you feel like Santa Claus has shat down your chimney,
really, rather than come down with a present.
Good.
Life goes on, you know? New Year, new start.
Hmm... Nice.
Sunken pond and sun patio,
surrounded by the ornamental garden.
Actually, Churchill and Roosevelt planned the D-Day landings here.
Interesting.
Well, actually they didn't plan them.
That was obviously Monty and Eisenhower,
but I'm sure they had a few drinks here.
Fucking two sinks.
Eh?
You've gone very serious.
I invited David.
It was meant to be a surprise but...
No, no... Warren said maybe to let you know.
I'm not loaning you a load of money.
Will you think about it? It's pointless.
You're just going to lose it. And I've thought about it, Dad.
It's a no, OK?
You won't even tell me what the trouble is.
You lent money to David, right?
Look, I just don't want to drag you down with the details,
but just to say that it is very complicated
and it is busting my head with it.
All right, I have something to say.
Even though I don't see you very often,
not as often as I would hope...
I'm not going to pour good money after bad. It's pointless.
..I just wanted to say I love you all,
and as family means the world to me....
Now, I'm not very well,
and I don't want to drag you all down,
but I probably won't make it to next New Year,
so I just wanted to say goodbye
and have one last lovely New Year with you all.
Last lovely New Year with you all.
So, no tears. Let's not make it all about me.
Erm...
I just wanted to see my family one last time.
Hugs, tears, goodbye...
Bertie bows out.
Good. Good.
Very good.
Right, party time. BERTIE EXHALES
Yeah. The gardens are nice, though.
Yeah, fucking massive.
Well, that's got to be a record. Only 20 minutes in, shots exchanged.
Christ.
The old man looked rattled.
DOOR OPENS
Oh, I told my mum about David.
Oh, yeah? What did she say?
A bit blank. I don't know why I bother, really.
Help me.
I am helping...by not helping.
How is not helping helping?
That is just not helping!
Yeah, the rooms are nice.
We haven't looked at ours yet.
Helping you by helping the situation.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I don't follow that.
Oh, God.
The problem is not the problem.
The problem is you.
Oh...
You want to lecture me on graft? Graft?
I never stingied a moment in years and years.
If you're talking about wasting, wasting time,
wasting money is spending money on this kind of bouf.
Spending money on something I actually want to do
for the whole family... This is a stunt!
..rather than just pouring money in your direction. Showing off!
You don't need to pour money in my direction, you just...
You're going to ruin this night over this, aren't you?
I'm not going to ruin it. I'll try not to ruin it.
Eh? "I'll try not to ruin it." It was ruined from day one when...
You're the only one who has to try not to ruin something.
Look, your mother has hurt herself.
She's hurt herself. I have to go back there.
I thought we'd have a quiet chat and we would sort that.
I could tell how concerned you were about her during this conversation.
Now, there's something that... Just leave it.
MUFFLED ARGUING
Oh, he's off. Where's my dad going? He's off for a little walk.
Thanks for that. Oh, are we done, are we? Yeah?
Is that...?
I'm going to get back to everyone else.
He don't look happy, does he? No, no.
SIGHING
Oh. Oh.
STIFLED GIGGLING
WIND HOWLS
TOILET FLUSHES
Ah-hah. Gin and tonic for the lady. Thank you.
I've got to admit, I do feel like I'm intruding a bit.
You know, it's just family, isn't it, today?
God, no, I insisted you come!
I need someone on my side.
If you're sure... Yeah. Come on, let's get you back.
Oh... Come on.
HE GROANS
Is Colin taking the fucking piss?
What?
Who's got two single beds?
We're in a castle!
How many rooms in here? 100 rooms and he puts us in here?
Stand up straight. Can you touch the thing? Yeah!
So you know the family?
Yeah, yeah, so I was at school with Colin,
and I've known Sandy and Gordon since I was little.
Oh, he didn't tell me that.
Oh, OK.
Have you done a lot of these?
No, no, this is my first.
It's nice to meet you.
Yeah.
You look as if you've seen a ghost.
Oh. Uncle Bertie, yes.
Yeah, I've just been Colin-ed.
Well, make it a large one.
To the family.
To the family. Best to you. Yeah.
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy... Yeah.
So, how have you been keeping?
A little quiet since Sally died. Yeah.
I go up and down to the shops, surf the internet for the news,
the occasional flutter on the DGs... Mm-hm.
..and go quietly mad.
Colin? Colin.
Behind this door...
Yeah, you're... You are useless. What?
Your poor mum on the floor.
Oh, come on, it's typical.
Typical?
Hello, Sham. Are you all right? Glad you could make it, mate.
All right, Colin, Val? I wouldn't miss it for the world. Erm...
Do you know where the toilet is? I'd love a shit.
OK, yeah, I do. It's through those doors over there.
Just there? All right. All right, mate. We'll catch up later, yeah?
All right, mate. See you later. Great stuff.
What the fuck is he doing here?
I don't know. Didn't you invite him? No, I invited his mum and dad.
Yeah.
Bullshit.
PHONE BUZZES Hold on.
Colin Burstead.
Uh-huh. Oh, right.
Disco. Right.
Yeah.
TOILET FLUSHES Oh...
What, and you tell me on the day, mate?!
Our disco people have let us down. Have you got any...?
Is there any, erm...? Erm...
I don't know, music, just a music system.
Do you know what? I think I might have something.
There we go.
Excellent. Right, yes... Christ.
Let's see. Ah.
All right, is it all under this gear? Right. There she is.
Is that a light, is it? It is a light.
That was actually left here by a rock concert
that we had a little while ago.
It actually goes with the music if you set it right. OK.
So we can...
We'll be able to work that out and it should be fine. Great.
Ta-da!
Right. I have got a job for that.
I mean, God, he is such a tight-arse.
He's not. He's saving you.
He's saving his money.
The family is a body - head and arms.
It's not a body. How is it like a body?
Just... Just follow my thinking.
What are you doing here?
Oh... Happy New Year to you, too.
You are not supposed to be here.
Colin is helping you by not giving you money.
The more money you get, the bigger the fuck-up. Oh, well...
Just chill out, I'm just...
I'm hanging. I'm not doing anything here. Hanging?
SHE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE What?
Mum, I'm all right. Trust me.
Just... Shh.
Maybe you'd better dress it up.
Excuse me. Yeah.
Are you all right, sis?
Are you all right, Jim-Bob?
Ow! Ouch!
Oh, shit!
The Sandy Show, eh?
How's the king?
Well, he's out there getting plastered.
How are you doing? Are you all right? Really good, thanks.
Are you all right?
Bloody medieval step.
I'm going to sue him.
Who?
That lord. Little Lord Funtington.
Cumberland? Haw-haw!
He didn't half look familiar, you know?
Hmm... Jimmy, can you give us a hand, mate?
I've got to get a load of stuff out of this shed. What? It's just...
Can you give us a hand? I just need to get some stuff. Jesus.
It's the manor. He's so stressed. SHE CHUCKLES
This all should have been done ages ago, all this stuff.
Well done, boys. Nice one. Blimey.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa! I've got it, I've got it.
You got it? I've got it. Where do you want to put it?
Erm... Well, in the...in the bedroom.
Well, in the...in the disco room. In the ballroom.
Here you are, Mum. I've got you a car.
Oh, brilliant! I'm very sorry about the step as well. Sorry.
Don't worry, Your Lordship. I'll be tapping you for ten grand.
Oh...
Oh, he thinks you're serious! That's a joke, mate.
Ooh! Ah!
Gin and tonic?
No, just my bag, please.
Can you see it?
Ha!
Mobile.
Hey. Hey, that's terrific, Speedy.
Do you know they have a...they have a swimming pool through here?
Mm-hm. Yeah, he's really pushed the boat out, our Colin.
SHE SIGHS
The sandwiches are a bit tired as well.
She's here, look.
David shouldn't be coming here.
Yeah, well, that was supposed to be a surprise.
Well, it fucking is.
Yeah, and he's bringing Paula number two.
Really? Who told you that? Gini.
Shammy! Fucking hell. Are you all right? How are you doing, mate?
How are you doing, mate? Yeah, I'm good.
There's... Oh, very nice.
And, yeah, they've been together now for five years, apparently.
And, of course, she's German.
Well, that is news.
Yeah, well, this is going to be a massacre.
Did you used to go out with her? Yeah.
With her? Yeah, for, like, a year, actually.
Come here, Sad Face.
Mmm...
That's so random. I know.
Proper random she's here, isn't it? Yeah.
Proper coincidence.
Am I the problem?
Of course.
We built them -
if they're nasty to us, it's our fault.
That's how it works.
SHE GULPS
They keep looking at me.
Oh. I wonder what he's told them about you.
Well, I don't know, because I've barely met them.
This is really hard. My face is aching from smiling.
If you need to duck out, text me. I'll come and find you.
Yeah, I just... I didn't know that he was going to be here.
Yeah. Oh, it looks like they're here.
Shall we meet and greet?
No, no. If he wants me, he can come and find me.
Well, he's not supposed to be.
Text me if you need me. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
ENGINE RUMBLES
This is Hannah.
Hi.
Hey. Good to see you.
I didn't know you were coming. It's a surprise.
Do I look all right? You look beautiful.
I don't look too, kind of, worried or...?
No. No? OK. Are you OK in that chair?
I'm fine in this chair. This chair is great.
Look, I can go up and I can go down. Can you do a wheelie?
OK, shall we try? THEY LAUGH
Actually, don't, because we don't want any more injuries.
SHE PANTS
I'm going to be sick!
See you later. See you.
Are you OK?
Got a new one?
Fucking player.
It's beautiful here.
All right, let's go and find a good room. Yeah.
So five-a-side, yeah? Do you want to play for my team?
What, instead of...? What, do I have to?
Yeah, we've got a space come up - goalkeeper.
I'm more of a sweeper, right-back, left-back.
Do you play in goal?
What happened?
You didn't tell me he was turning up.
I'm so sorry, Paula, I just found out myself.
She's turning up in a couple of hours. She's bringing the kids.
WIND HOWLS
It's supposed to be a treat.
Selfish...
Looks all right.
Can I get you a cup of tea or something?
Oh, God. A gin and tonic, please.
Oh-ho-ho, yeah. This'll do.
Paula, I'm so sorry. I just didn't think.
It was meant to be... It was meant to be a surprise for my mum.
Did you invite him?
Yeah, but it was a surprise
so I just didn't think about anybody else.
It was a surprise. Why didn't you tell me?
Let's not... It wasn't about anybody else.
Don't worry, they're going to love you.
Let's not let it spoil things.
I'm more worried about you.
PAULA COUGHS Val's got some lovely food and, you know...
Colin arranged the caterer.
Sweetheart, don't...
Fran.
They're not as bad as I said.
I was just making them sound more exciting.
Well, you said they were all arseholes.
Well, it might get a bit more rowdy than you're used to, that's all.
It's never your fault, is it?
PAULA SOBS No flies on you.
We'll keep the kids away from it, all right?
HANNAH LAUGHS
David...
..I don't trust you.
Excuse me... Where are you going?
I'm going to go and find your dad.
I've never seen you nervous before.
It was supposed to be a surprise...
Could you bring my gin, please, Maya?
Yeah, I've got it, I've got it...
Fuck. Careful, careful.
Well, there's a reason I've not been back for five years, darling.
Mm-hm.
We've all done things in our pasts that we're ashamed of.
Let me open that for you.
Never her fault. Just, just... Never, ever her fault.
Ugh! What are you doing?
WAVES LAPPING
Hm-hm...
What's that?
That's Fran, Colin's daughter.
She's had enough already.
Are you a swimmer, Warren? Nah.
You?
Yeah.
Your dad's looking all right. You know, you know...
Yeah. That sounds like David.
Oh, here we go. Unleash hell.
Are you all right?
I'm fucking great.
Hey, little sis.
Hello.
You're looking well.
You, too.
I'm Hannah. Pleased to meet you.
Hey.
Hi, Uncle Bertie.
David. Hi, Warren.
Are you all right?
It's very nice to see you back.
Mmm. Well, it's... Nobody said you were coming.
Nobody seemed to know I was coming.
It's a... It was a surprise for Mum. Oh, right, yeah. Well...
Yeah, Gini invited me. Yeah.
Oh, right. I'm surprised to see you here.
I'm not sorry.
Nice one.
Surprised? Yeah.
Well, you know, can't go and hide out all the time, can you?
You've got to man up and face these things eventually.
Yeah, I suppose,
but it's sometimes good to keep a low profile -
you know, let the storm wash the plates.
Right, well, if you ever disappear,
we'll know what's happened, then, won't we?
WARREN CHUCKLES Have you seen...?
Oh, this is Uncle Bertie and this is Warren, my husband, sorry.
Sorry, this is Hannah, Bertie. Nice to meet you.
Very nice to see you. I'm Warren. Nice to meet you.
Hello, Warren. Hello.
Have you seen Mum or Dad yet?
Not yet, no.
Are you talking to people?
Er... No.
Baby, you're the host.
Yeah, but I've got stuff to sort out. Like what?
Like the disco bollocks. That's the priority, is it?
Yeah, well, we get them oiled up and then they dance,
otherwise they fight,
so we want to have a good time, yeah? Yeah.
Disco, disco! Yeah?
Yeah.
VAL LAUGHS
Where did you two meet?
Oh, Hannah's a famous techno DJ. HE IMITATES TECHNO BEATS
No, I'm a microbiologist. We met at a conference.
Where do you want it?
Just put it in the middle for now. Right.
Oh, are you going to go now, Jim, are you? Yeah.
Thank you for your help.
No-one really gives a shit about my feelings.
Yes, they do.
Then why would Gini invite David?
You've already had a row with Colin. It's hopeless.
So... Sprechen die Deutsch?
HE REPLIES IN GERMAN Well, this isn't bad...
It's difficult but it's coming on. Very good.
Very good. But it's the language of love, isn't it, darling?
Yeah.
That's French. Yeah.
That's true. Isn't it French?
No, it is French. It is French.
It is not comparable. Do you speak French?
Just a little bit but...
You don't speak French, do you? No. I kiss that way.
Being a happy family is all a bit sentimental to you lot, isn't it?
You know, why bother? You'd all rather have a ruck.
Yeah, well, let them get it out.
It's so fractured. If there needs to be a bit of blood-letting...
All right, all right. ..then so be it.
She has spoken.
You need to get your house in order.
Kicking off over there, look. LAUGHTER
David shouldn't be here, and poor Paula is crying out the back.
What, David should leave? He's just arrived.
He came specially. It's too much.
He can come back to ours tomorrow if he wants to see us.
I mean... But he won't listen to me.
Get Colin to do it. It's not rocket science.
David, erm...
Yes. Just a second.
WHISPERING: You say your hellos. I'm going to have a look at the garden.
What? Are you sure?
Yeah, I think it's going to be much easier without me.
This is a surprise for my mum.
You go and talk to your mother and father.
Oh, you devil.
Cheers. Cheers.
Auf Wiedersehen. I'm sorry, erm...
No.
You're the boss, remember?
Right, I'll do it.
I've already had to eat a load of shite off Colin today.
It's a fucking castle.
You're in a one-bed... You're in a one-bed flat...
That's got nothing to do with it.
Bringing it all down, isn't she?
Right, what's the matter?
All right? Yeah, this is a bit sore.
LOUD POP Oh! Oh, God!
Do you, erm, want to...?
Hello, hello.
Ah!
Ah... Hi.
So, I'm here with David.
Oh, OK. I'm Hannah.
Yeah. Are you having fun?
No.
What are you hiding there?
Nothing.
Can I have some?
Hmm, hmm, hmm...
HANNAH INHALES
SHE COUGHS, LAUGHTER
Hey.
All right, Dad? How are you?
Son, erm...
Are you good?
Yeah, bearing up, bearing up.
How was the trip?
Fine.
Look, let's call a truce on this thing, eh? What?
Let's call a truce on the thing. No, I am not thinking about it, OK?
Well, I am but I'm not...
You know what I'm talking about.
Yeah. Yeah.
All right... It's good to see you.
I'd better go and rescue your mother from Uncle Bertie.
Yeah. Yeah.
SWITCH CLICKS
Yeah... Son?
Cheer up, you cunt.
It's not right, this, is it?
No, it's not. It's not. Erm...
I don't know what to do about it. I can't see the edges of it.
WHIRRING
I will sort it out, I promise.
What, you'll write it off?
No, I'll sort it out some other way.
So, how?
Some other way.
A repayment plan. HE SCOFFS
That sounds expensive.
Well, it's only money, isn't it?
Yeah, but that's what I was thinking.
No, you were thinking it's only my money.
PAULA SOBS
You'd better say hello to your mother.
Is she still upset?
No, she's fine.
SHE SOBS Come here, eh? Thank you.
Where is she? Does she know I'm here?
No, she's here, yeah, but she's in a wheelchair.
How long has she been in a wheelchair for?
About 15 minutes.
What's in here? I've been there.
Oh... In there. What?
It's just a corner, a private space where you can get your crying done.
Really? You know, away from the party and the...
It's a bit cold. Yeah, but, you know...
Are you sure? I know you need your space.
OK. I know what it's like.
I'll be down to check on you in a bit. OK.
Oh, brilliant. Yeah.
Fucking hell...
Aye, I know you meant well.
Are you angry at me?
But... No, I'm not angry.
I'm dealing with it. It's not your fault.
Everybody else seems to think it is.
How long do you reckon it'd take us to get a place like this?
Old money, bruv.
Obviously. Definitely. We're no further than 1066.
I'm not going to let this country hold me back.
You know what I mean? It's like a target for me.
This? Where are you at the moment?
Sales at Computech, yeah, so...in Guildford.
What, cold calling? Nah. What do you mean cold calling? Fuck.
Your brother has been holding forth in the oval room.
OK.
Yeah, he needs to be talked to.
I take home, like, 130K annum, after tax.
Why are you wearing that jacket, then?
What, do you want me to talk to him? About what?
Well, he needs to stop upsetting people.
SHE LAUGHS I'm still plastering.
People are always going to want protection from unwanted intrusions.
Yeah, totally. You know, so a need is a need.
People are always going to need people to smooth shit over as well.
True.
You want him to leave, Dad? That's a bit off.
This one, yeah. Go on.
Perfect.
This is his family and, yes, I love him. Yeah.
But, yes...
So to leave?
Yeah.
You're so blunt, Colin. You know, just...
Just talk to him. Just give him a nudge, you know, erm...
Like what?
Yeah, well, you know, paint a picture, tell him a story.
Like... Like the, erm...
The family is a body and if one part of that doesn't, you know...
What?!
I'll be all right in a minute.
Here, have a sip of gin.
Why didn't you stop me?
I don't know why you bother with this. Too much energy.
With what?
Trying to be part of this.
It's my family.
Oh, Paula, are you OK?
Yeah, do you know? Make him think that it's his idea.
Yeah, it's psychology. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, sounds doomed to failure, Dad, but if that's your wish...
Will you do it? Yes, I said I would.
Colin just said to stay in here cos he thinks it's quiet
and away from things a bit.
What do you mean it's quiet and away from things?
Like, what's he put you in here for?
Well, he just said to stay in here
and, you know, he can be quite persuasive so...
What do you mean?
What, and you...and you just went along with it?
I think he was just...
Are you OK? I think he was just thinking of me and...
I don't think he was thinking of you.
I think it was about my feelings...
Erm...
Fuck it, I'm not... I'm not hiding.
Ahem.
What has he got you locked away in here for?
Is that all right? Yeah, you look beautiful.
Come on, then. Right, let's go somewhere with a higher ceiling.
So, what, are you going to talk to David on your own?
Yeah, I was going to, yeah.
What are you drinking? Just a Coke.
Do you want a little Bacardi in it?
I don't think Dad would be very happy if you did that.
Ask someone else to come with you. Like who?
Got yourself a boyfriend yet? No.
No? No.
Like Jimmy. We could save him from Fran or something.
What's he talking to her about?
Oh, hello, Bertie. All right? Cheer up, Colin.
How's school?
Brilliant. Really looking forward to the massive crash of the economy.
Oh, come on... You know it was about democracy.
I'm the good Brexit - the Tony Benn Brexit.
Not Sham. Sham's an idiot. Don't ask Sham.
Well, it's his fault. It seems there's no choice. Seems like the...
Fuck Labour and fuck the Tories.
Does that make it clearer for you?
Dave?
SWITCH CLICKS
LOUD THUMPING ELECTRONICA PLAYS
All right, Gini?
Dad's walking around like someone's just
taken a massive shit in his mouth. DAVID LAUGHS
I see you're working your magic again.
Well...
LOUD THUMPING ELECTRONICA CONTINUES
Party's starting!
What are you doing here?
You make it sound like I'm not welcome.
No, I wouldn't say that.
But, yeah, you're not.
I enjoy candour, but fuck off.
Shammy! How are you doing, mate? I'm all right, man.
All right? I'm all right, yeah.
Just having a little boogie,
a little skank in there, yeah. Get on that.
Yeah, come on, let's get a drink. All right, man. David... Mm-hm.
..when I look at you, I do just think, "Cunt."
And that's not going to change tonight, bruv.
LOUD CLICK
Have I had a stroke?
Don't panic, anyone! It's perfectly normal. OK?
Everyone, be quiet, follow me and I can get you all torches on.
Everyone, OK, follow me. Just follow the carpets. The carpets...
Blown fuse.
Two minutes, OK?
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
SWITCH CLICKS Oh, fuck.
It happens every now and again. It's just the fuses.
You know, old house... We're trying to get pissed, mate.
It's New Year's Eve. I'm so sorry. Find Jimmy.
Sorry, I've got candles. Mate, mate, mate, mate, I'm an electrician.
Just step off and do it.
That'd be great. Yes.
For God's sake, this is a nightmare! Here, here, here...
You've got a blown fuse, mate. Just fucking...
I just panic, you know, and I overthink everything.
I'm in my own head, you know? That must be horrible.
Hello?
Don't even talk to me.
I was invited.
What was I supposed to do?
THEY TAP RHYTHMICALLY
But actually, I don't know, man. I think it's, like, a confidence thing.
Like, out on the outwards, I'm like...
Look, I don't really need you to have loads of confidence, mate.
I just need you to be there with me so it doesn't look like
I'm making the move. You know what I mean?
It's something that more than one person wants to act.
Yeah, but what...but you are going to ask Dave to leave, though?
I'll do all the talking.
It'll just be better if there's two of us, OK?
This could be like fucking petrol on a bonfire, mate.
Hey! Who's this supposed to be?
Hey, mate!
How are you doing, Colin? Yeah, I'm just trying to fucking find...
We're in a maze. How to get these lights back on, yeah.
Oh, there you are, you stupid sod.
I feel like I've been here before.
Please, can you please fix it? Please?
I've definitely been here before. Right.
The kids are going to be here in a minute. It's horrible.
All right, Colin, you're just saying,
"Stop being a pussy and just do it."
Is that what you're saying to me? That's exactly what I'm saying.
Back in the 1990s, you had a rave here.
I'm saying if something needs to be done, don't think, act.
JIMMY IMITATES TECHNO BEATS
OK, are you with me?
Yeah.
I... I don't... Yeah.
You were selling mushrooms and you sold me some pills as well.
No.
And they were dud.
Were they? Shit.
I really don't think... Done fuck all.
I had a shit night, that night. That wasn't me, that wasn't me.
It couldn't have been me. I don't do that.
Water under the bridge.
Thanks.
Let there be light.
SWITCH CLICKS Oh!
Ah! I'm cured.
LOUD ELECTRONICA PLAYS
Thank you, thank you. This fucking house...
Fucking...fuck you.
..quotes?
Yeah, but it might depend on how long you've been here.
Yeah, but I think if you're... then you can vote.
All right, brother?
Hey.
I was wondering when I'd see you.
I'm not hiding. How's it all going?
Good, good.
Your ex-missus is in the kitchen trying not to throw up.
How is she?
Yeah, all good.
I know what's going on here. Yeah? What's going on what?
This has the dread hand of Gordon across it, bruv.
Well, we are a family, David.
We all talk,
and all I've had today is a lot of unhappy people moaning at me,
and it seems like you're the main topic of conversation.
Well, I never went out of my way to fuck things up
but...I'm not perfect, Colin.
Things happen. It's complicated.
Yeah, it is, mate - well complicated.
Well, it's more complicated than it's been painted, yeah. Right.
Well, shall I simplify it for you from my end?
Go for your life.
Right, well, you married one woman, Paula,
and you put your penis in her vagina, and she had some babies.
Then, contrary to the contract you agreed on about not sticking
your penis into other ladies, you went and did it,
and you got caught,
and you left your wife and children, seven and five,
and fucked off with the other lady,
then seemingly dumped her, absconded to the Fatherland,
and now you rock up with your new fraulein.
Hannah.
I mean...that is right.
Yeah.
Well, in your reductive, childlike world, I guess it is, yeah.
Your lot are coming round in a minute.
Have you seen them recently, your children,
the boy one and the girl one?
Are you trying to upset me?
Yeah, I'm trying to get a reaction, yeah. I want to see it.
Well, you're not going to see it.
What happened's bad,
I'm bad,
but if you want me to fuck off and live in a hole,
it's not going to happen.
This is my family, too, and I want to see them.
Surely you see how that plays out. Yeah?
We are investing in the idea of a family.
We are trying and you are saying, "Fuck all that. Do what you want.
"Bollocks to them. I know better. And what's more, fuck them!
"I'll take all their nice shit like warmth and family,
"while swanning about and hurting everyone's feelings."
You know how well that goes down, mate?
Badly. I do.
That's right!
And in the meantime,
you're fucking menacing the old man about a business debt.
What are you even doing lending him money, anyway?
He needed it. Oh, right,
and you're like a Good Samaritan, are you, David?
No, I know the way you fucking operate, mate.
You only lend money to profit yourself.
I can't believe you sunk so low to fucking lend it to him!
Have you fucking finished?
Yeah!
DAVID CHUCKLES
GLASS THUDS
Here you go, baby.
I hate adrenaline. It makes me feel sick.
All right? Yeah.
You know, you did... You did the right thing, mate.
Yeah? Thanks. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. What a fucking hero.
Yeah, man.
Someone had to bloody say it, and no-one else was going to
bloody say it, were they?
I told him to fuck off earlier. I did, too.
You invited him, Gin!
So?!
COLIN LAUGHS
Oh, dear...
SIGHING
Jimmy...
You've got to get him back. This is not... This is awful.
It's really bad. Go and get him back.
JIMMY EXHALES Oh, Christ.
It's not really got anything to do with me, has it?
Listen, you have to. Gordon's not going to do anything.
He's fucking paralysed.
We have to nudge this back together.
Oh, I really don't know...
This is supposed to be a celebration.
I didn't drive four fucking hours to sit here in misery.
And this is my family - I get to see them about once a year if I'm lucky.
Now, this, it's chaos... OK.
JIMMY EXHALES
It's very upsetting.
Very difficult for me to handle.
THUMPING ELECTRONICA PLAYS
Hannah!
I'm going to the pub!
OK! Why?
MUSIC DROWNS OUT SPEECH
They're all pricks. Let's tell them to fuck off already.
Yeah!
HANNAH LAUGHS
SHE EXHALES
Where's this pub?
I saw it on the way in.
Wankers.
I like them.
Fuck. Why?
DOG BARKS I like seeing people getting on your nerves.
It's good for you.
How's that?
I'm starting to see the real you, the scared you.
The running away me.
Did you sort the thing out with your father?
Let him stew.
Are you torturing him?
Yeah.
David!
You are bad.
DOOR OPENS
What the...? Lainey, why are you here? What are you doing here?
What are you doing here, Sham? Huh?
All right, all right, you got me. I knew you'd be here.
Yeah, I know that.
OK, all right, I want to ask you a question.
I'm working.
Will you marry me? Oh, my God. Please, don't...
Are you kidding? Don't answer yet. Just hold it.
I think I will answer. Don't... No.
No.
No, no, no. Don't answer yet. Don't. I just did answer.
I said no, Sham.
All right, fuck's sake, Lainey, listen,
ever since you left me, I've been desperate, all right?
I know it's not attractive but it's a very strong emotion.
I'm very desperate for you... You're being really weird, Sham.
I'm not being weird. Yes, you are, OK? It's not weird.
You can't just turn up here while I'm working!
Can't you see that that's wrong? OK? Now, we went out, yeah?
And we had fun, but it ran its course.
Look, you're an incredible lover. Really?
Yeah, yeah. I mean, yeah, yeah, I am.
Well, yeah, I guess... Yeah, I am. I am.
You are the most sensual person that I have ever met,
but, you know, the spark, it's just...it's not there.
We can relight the spark. We can just reignite it.
No, we can't. That's not the point. I never got closure.
What do you mean you never got closure? We never got closure
on our relationship. I can't nurse you through this break-up.
That is not my responsibility.
All right?
I know you obviously haven't gotten over me yet, and that's fine.
I have. You haven't gotten over me, Lainey, obviously.
Don't try that with me, OK? You knew I'd be here.
No, I did not know that you'd be here. This is my fucking work.
Now, get out of my kitchen!
All right, don't worry. I'll be fine.
Don't you worry about me, all right?
What do you think?
HANNAH EXHALES I want to know, all the time...
Why did you bring me here?
You've lost the most sensual lover you ever fucking had.
Go! All right.
I thought I was all right with never seeing any of them
ever again, but then Dad showed up.
You got him involved in that terrible deal.
Are you all right?
Oh, hey. Yeah.
Why? Why did you do that?
To punish him, surely? HE SNORTS
Well, no. Not intentionally.
But as it turns out...
Did you hear what he said? No.
No? OK, well, if you did, don't tell anyone, please.
That's between you and me.
Because his parents are here and stuff, and that's equally
really uncomfortable, but he just proposed to me.
Wow. It's ridiculous.
Not really. I...
Sorry.
And you brought me to do what?
Prove to me what a shit you can be?
Cos I already know that, David.
HE CHUCKLES
What?
No...
Just taking in all the impressions.
Cheers. Prost.
I think you're a little puppy shitting on everyone, David.
Danke schoen, Schatz.
Well, he had to go, I suppose.
That took a nice big pair of bollocks, mate.
I don't think I've got them.
LOUD GRIME MUSIC PLAYS
Doing the right thing takes bollocks sometimes.
Too big, and that cannot be.
Everyone's too busy calling me a cunt.
I think I'm pretty modest about my triumphs, to be fair.
Yeah, you are, Col. Modest is your middle name, isn't it?
You've got a nice relationship with Jimmy, Ed. Don't lose that, mate.
Yeah, he's good. Good lad.
Why don't these things ever just go normally?
I need a drink!
LOUD GRIME CONTINUES
I feel pretty sick, to be honest.
I didn't expect to see Lainey here.
Do you know Lainey?
Yeah, yeah, her and Colin used to go out when they were a bit younger.
Yeah, did you not know? Yeah, of course I did.
Yeah, I think he's probably just got her here.
I think she's just been through a divorce
so he's probably just helping her out.
That's nice of him.
HE EXHALES Colin went too high.
And when you go high, there's nowhere else to go.
This kind of thing happens once a decade.
It's just a readjustment.
I might go and find a stout length of rope.
Get in on it!
You just need to take a little chill pill now, I think.
Thanks for all your advice, Jim.
It's a bit like Jeremy Kyle and shit. It's a bit...
Thank you very much, John Lennon.
If anyone else wants more, I'm happy to serve it up.
That is a problem, that kind of talk.
Colin, sometimes use the small, little voice
and not always, like, the loud, raging voice.
Yeah, you listen to the little voice a lot, don't you, Sham?
Try counting to ten before you speak.
You try it. I'll look retarded.
Retarded is off the menu. Is it?
Great, I'll say that all day long. Well, you shouldn't.
Oh, God, I'm exhausted already. Mmm.
Try a little bit of, like, lavender on your pillow before you go to bed.
Is that what you do, Warren, is it? Is that how to send you off? Yeah.
Most people would have fired her out of a cannon into a wall by now,
wouldn't they? There you go.
Colin, you're like a bull in a china shop, please...
Joking, joking.
Your mother was looking for you.
I saw you talking to Lainey.
Yeah, well, we're adults, Dad. We still talk. It's...
You know what I mean? We were worried.
Hey, how's your foot?
Bloody painful.
Little Jamie boy!
SHE HUMS POP GOES THE WEASEL
Listen, I got over her months ago. Yeah?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm way beyond that. Good.
I'm cool. Good. I'm good.
You can hold him if you want.
With my back?
I fell over outside, remember?
No, no, no... Silly Mummy.
My baby days are over.
I fucking love you lot. You know I do. Mmm.
I really appreciate you both.
Are you being naughty?
BABY GURGLES He's a baby, Sandy.
Mmm. David was naughty from the start.
He came out naughty.
SHE CLICKS HER TONGUE AND HUMS A TUNE
I think I just feel like we should be, like,
honest with each other, you know?
There's just so much bullshit and lies in the world,
and I want what you guys have.
I want to have this special relationship one day.
I want to just be honest, OK? I...
Yeah, well... Mum, I smoke.
THEY LAUGH I've smoked for ages.
As if I don't know you smoke.
OK, well, I've, like... Opening the bathroom window and...
Well, I've done... Well, I haven't done drugs...
Well, I've seen people do cocaine before. I've seen it.
I've seen it... Who? Who?
Just mates and that. Yeah, well, who, mates? Bob. Bob and that.
Bob and that?
Bob. Mostly the white people.
I always thought his eyes were dilated, no? Yeah, OK.
And you've stayed clear of this? I've never done drugs, OK?
But I've seen people do drugs. Never? Never, ever done drugs, OK?
OK. I just want to be honest, OK? I think it's... OK.
It's New Year's, you know, and...
You know I told you I had seven GCSEs?
I got Sunny to make me a fake document.
Really I've got three GCSEs, OK? Barely.
Now, well, I know you hadn't read Of Mice And Men.
No, because it's boring, Mum. There's enough honesty.
I've been with a black girl before.
I don't want to know all this, OK? I'm your mother. She was Somalian.
Yeah, OK, Muslim as well.
I'm sorry.
Happy New Year. I really love you both so much. Yeah, yeah, OK.
Happy New Year, darl. Sorry, sorry.
Don't be sorry. Why do you keep saying sorry? Sorry.
I swear to God, the way he left that room, you know, cackling,
he was like a fucking laughing Nazi. Did you see him?
He's out of order. He's fucking out of order.
It's how he speaks to people. It's how he's always spoken to people.
The sound of his own voice...
He's got, like, it's a weird power thing that he does.
He puts people down. A power thing? You should see the size of our room.
Exactly. We're in a fucking castle -
you should see the size of our room. Mine's lovely. I've got two sinks.
You don't run your old man down, do you? That a rule, isn't it?
How are we doing, Captain?
Oh, we're limping along but the ship is listing, all right.
Oh...
Colin is just going way over the top.
You shouldn't let him talk about you like that.
Yeah, well, it's not like it isn't true,
because I...I am finished.
I mean, he's a... You need a leader, right?
You need somebody who's going to be a figurehead.
Yeah, that's the way of it. Gordon is the big dog.
He made him.
Oh, come on, this is not the Gordon I know talking.
Yeah, well, he's gone now. He's gone.
He has hit the buffers.
Come on... Washed up.
He needs telling. Someone should say something.
What, like an intervention for his own good?
Right, more sangaritas.
Sangria.
Sangaritas. What?
It's sangria and margaritas. It's a mix. I made it up.
Oh, you made it up? Get with the times.
To the dance floor. The Gay Gordons, I like the Gay Gordons.
GRIME MUSIC BLARES
But I need something! All right!
MUSIC DROWNS OUT SPEECH
Fucking hell!
MUSIC DROWNS OUT SPEECH
THEY CHEER
You're as tactful as ever.
Well, I didn't want to do it. I got told to. Gordon?
GRIME MUSIC BLARES
Here's to fathers. GLASS CLINKS
How's the old nut, the old man?
He loves it, being centre of attention.
LAUGHTER
INDISTINCT SHOUTING
Here, have a drink.
I love family dos.
Come back!
You OK, baby? I'm a wreck. I need to calm down, my heart's going to explode.
Well, stop having a go at people, then. I need a run.
Go and make sure Dave's all right.
Yeah, all right. Get him back here, will you? We need to sort this out.
WOODWIND MUSIC PLAYS
HE COUGHS AND WRETCHES
Sham! Hello. How you doing, mate? You all right? Yeah.
Can I get a drag? Of what? That.
Thank you.
Peanuts? Crisps? No, I'm all right, man.
You sure? Yeah. All right, then.
I'll surprise you! All right, mate! I'll surprise you. All right.
'Kin prick.
INAUDIBLE
What's the fucking point? I don't want to go back there and...
He's there... He's there telling everyone, "Blah, blah, David this, David that."
Right, I've just spoke to half the party,
and you've got more support than you think, Dave, I promise ya.
We should go back.
There's no point in hiding out here.
What are we doing? I mean, he promised me a family New Year's...
Yeah. ..and I think we should have a family New Year's. Thank you.
So, Edward, return to the castle and warn them of our return.
See you soon. See you, Ed. Bye-bye. Bye!
CAR LOCKS
I didn't know you used to go out with Colin.
Oh, yeah... Yeah, years ago.
I don't care how long ago it was.
I'm just saying I didn't know, and now I do.
Lads, want to come to a party?
HANNAH LAUGHS
Are you coming with us?
Oh, shit. It's Paula.
ENGINE STALLS
What Colin did was like a public execution.
It was funny, though. No, not funny, Warren.
All right, Gi? You having a little stir? My ears are burnin'. Cava?
We should cut across the field. You talk to her.
No, actually, I was just saying what a bastard I think you are,
so nothing new.
Go on, you chicken shit.
I should talk to her, really, shouldn't I?
I'm going back to the house. Come on, boys.
Can always count on you not to be counted on.
Counted on for what?
You know...project family.
Pulling together and that, big society. What?!
ENGINE STALLS
You know, no more remoanin'.
Oh, is that what you think this is? Bringing us all together?
Hi.
Won't it start?
What do you want?
I'm sorry, Paula.
What are you sorry for?
Which part?
For...?
Well, all of it.
Me? For...
For the kids?
Yeah.
Hey! You all right?
Back at the castle! Come through, guys. Come through.
OK, lads, come this way. Cheers. Come this way.
Take a right!
So you're saying after, what...
..five, six years?
And you think that's just going to fix it, just like that?
Cos I know what you're doing.
You feel shit, so you want me to say something,
anything that you can cling on to, to take that feeling away.
Right, you wanted shot of Dave. Yeah, I said that.
But it's the manner.
Oh, right, I get the game.
I turn over my brother, and yous lot turn me over.
You'll be OK.
The minute you walk away, you'll start to feel better,
like when you left.
Just got...easier and easier every day, didn't it?
Then in a week, a month or so...
..you didn't even worry about it.
Bad behaviour is bad behaviour, however you want to frame it.
Well, the reality is neither of you two have ever behaved in any way.
You just wait for things to happen, then you jump in.
But, oi, I've not even...
You never quite grasped the idea of family, did you?
You can never think beyond...you.
I've changed.
Yeah.
Just not for me.
Why did you invite David? Because it's his right.
So you invited him, but you don't want him here?
Because what I believe doesn't get in the way of what is right.
It's two things.
Well, it was nice chatting.
I better get back in.
Do you want me to call someone? WHISPERS: No...
You're the one who loves the sound of his own voice.
You don't understand that criticism isn't action. Action is action.
Bye. Just go.
Bye.
That all works well in your little fiefdom, does it, sis? Mm!
Beavering around, doing stuff?
Stuff like inviting David when you know it's all going end in tears.
Well done, good family management.
You provide the arena, then step back while everyone goes at it!
SHE CRIES SOFTLY
ENGINE STARTS
He had a right to be here.
You don't get to just brush it under the carpet because you don't
want to feel awkward.
Mum was sick, she could've died. They have to see each other.
It's fucking New Year! Yes, I know!
I'm trying to work out when it became all about you!
HE SIGHS Are you OK?
Yeah, yeah, I'll shake it off.
HE SNIFFS All good.
They said enjoy yourself, it's later than you think.
What you talking about? He's taken me for the lot.
I don't know how I didn't see it going.
We're going to lose the house? Mm-hm.
And neither David nor Colin will help? Got it.
You all right? Huh?
Yeah. Yeah? It's a bit close to the edge.
No, I'm all right, I'm just listening to the sounds.
I'm not doing anything. Yeah, I'm all right.
It's been... Soothing. Yeah. Yeah, OK.
Just had to get away from there.
It was just quite intense in there, you know? Yeah.
I lost my job.
Oh, right?
I might have to move in back with my parents, I'm proper broke.
HE CHUCKLES
I mean, I live with my parents, so... Yeah.
HE SIGHS
Yeah, but I'm old. I shouldn't live with my parents, it's pathetic.
Your father is in pieces, and I hope you feel really good about that.
You look like you do.
SHE INHALES SHARPLY
He's blown it out of proportion. Oh, has he?
I have the paperwork upstairs.
I'll take the building off him, if you want.
We... Yes, I do want.
I'd do anything if it makes him happy.
That's very good of you, David. Very big of you.
Out of the kindness of your heart.
SHE EXHALES SHARPLY Happy New Year. Happy New Year.
Hannah... This is Hannah. Sorry. This is my mother. Hannah.
How do you do? Lovely to meet you. Lovely to meet you.
Hear you've been together for five years.
Go.
DOOR SHUTS
I wasn't going to kill myself. Yeah, no, sure.
Do you think this is the end of it? No, this can't end.
This is how they love.
If you get them on their own, they're pretty nice people.
Where are you going?
What's up with you? Hey, get up, mate. Listen, don't tell anybody.
It's not as though... We're not... Don't tell anyone what?
You're going to do yourself damage, mate. I watch it live, you see.
I don't know whether he's brought the right pieces of paper or...
Well, is it...? Is it...? Well, you'll see. Just ask him.
I was going to write a suicide note on my phone,
but I ran out of battery.
But I thought you weren't going to kill yourself. I wasn't. Yeah, no.
That's what I mean. OK.
How old are you? Are you, like, 12? 15. Right.
You've got more wisdom than me. Yeah, well...
..I wasn't on the edge of the cliff, was I? Nah.
You all right?
Yeah.
Yeah, no, sorry. I was just...just having a cry.
Can I join you there? Think I could do with one as well.
Can I...? Can I tell you a secret?
OK.
I've never done this before.
SHE LAUGHS
Me neither. It's my first time!
THEY LAUGH
Good God.
WINE GLUGS
To the Bursteads.
THEY LAUGH To the Bursteads!
Let me show you where I really live. If you'll allow me.
Here.
And just date in there. OK.
There you are.
GINI: I'm hiding, leave me alone.
I'm sorry I'm not a happy person.
That's me. I'm sorry.
But you're not without your moments.
What have I done? Nothing.
You haven't said anything and you haven't done anything
and sometimes that is just as bad. There is no winning here.
That's why I don't fight.
I just wanted to make my mum happy. Is that such a crime?
No. Course not. I just want us all together. I know.
But you're asking something of these people they can't give you.
You got your clothes on? Yeah.
Aren't you hot? It's boiling in here.
I'm absolutely roasting, to be honest.
THEY TALK AND LAUGH QUIETLY
Oh, my goodness.
So you live here? Yep.
Yeah, I don't actually own the castle.
I just look after it.
Some company owns it, and I work for them.
But you're still a lord? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yes.
Just a piss-poor one.
That's a shame. It is a shame. THEY LAUGH
It's a massive bloody shame.
Cast your eyes over here, this is the West Wing.
And through there, along that long, palatial corridor, is the east wing.
Ah, yes. Just about... Over here, we have the swimming pool...
Just about see it.
..which doubles as a...sink.
WHISPERING: Can you hear that? What?
See, there's nothing. It's quiet.
Yes, you can't hear the Bursteads screaming.
The Bursteads screaming? Screaming at each other.
That's what I'm saying, I'm quite happy about that.
You've caused me so much stress, you're not allowed to do that.
See you later, Dad, we're going to get out.
Well, whoa... You're going now? Before the bells? Before the bells?
Yeah. I think we're going to go. OK?
All right, darling, thank you. Hey, thanks. OK.
Yeah, you're right. Col...
What?
Look, I'm not happy about the way today panned out.
Well, that's the problem, isn't it? No-one is. So...
That's enough, OK? Yeah.
We've all had a drink, but you know what's going on here, don't you?
Leave her alone, mate. OK? Is this the white knight, is it?
The man who fucking aquaplaned his marriage into the oncoming traffic -
is that who's now sticking the arrow in me from the moral high ground?
Is that the picture you're painting, brother?
Yeah, well, that's nice and flowery. Now... No, no, no, hold on.
Colin, stop it. I was going to leave but go on - what?
What have you got to say, mate?
You're an arrogant fucker, Colin.
You think everything you do's perfect
and your life's a paragon of perfection,
and you're judging me for my misdeeds?
It's fucking rich. Right.
Sorry, is that the moment you wink to my missus,
or whoever else here you had an affair with?
Is that your classy play?
What are you talking about?
Yeah, I know about that.
I know, er...everyone else does.
Love how you all knew before me as well.
It's news to me. Shut up.
Yeah, anyway, luckily, we are pretty stable, we had a chat about it...
..and we resolved it.
And it's all good and I know it's my fault and...
Right, that's that. You got to tend to a relationship, haven't you?
You can't lean on it or it breaks.
Right. Yeah.
So that's us.
So what was you saying about me hurting your feelings?
HE LAUGHS BITTERLY
God, what is this? Nice, Dave.
That'll do. Come on. That's it. Come on, let's go, let's go. That's it.
OK. Anyway, we're off. Good party. See you later, Mum, Dad...
Dave!
Gini. Lovely time. Lovely time!
Lovely, yes. Good party, thank you.
Well...
..I know I've put a bit of a dampener
on the proceedings tonight, but...
..the reason we're all here is for Mum, Sandy.
She's had a really tough year, and we're all very, very grateful
that you're here with us tonight, Mum.
And...Gini had said we were all going to do a bit,
but I think she was winding me up.
Er, but I have prepared a bit. Um...
Hannah's been trying to teach me piano.
Anyway, I'm just going to do it. So...
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
This is for you, Mum.
HE EXHALES
# A rose by any other name is a rose
# But Shakespeare never met Sandy or he'd have known
# To compare Mum to a summer's day
# Doesn't even come close
# And yet I've hurt you more than most
# I know you needed me and I let you down
# In your hour of need I wasn't around
# I want to repent but I don't know how
# So I will try to spell it out
# S-A-N-D-Y
# Sorry for the times I've made you cry... #
SANDY: Oh, yes. Ahem.
# S-A-N-D-Y
# I wish I could have been a better child
# S-A-N-D-Y
# You're the sun and moon in my sky
# S-A-N-D-Y
# I treated you badly
# But I love you madly
# You're the soul of this family and that's why
# We're all here tonight
# We all love you, Sandy. #
I love you, Mum. We all do.
WHISPERING: Thank you, son.
Beautiful. SHE SNIFFS
That's really nice.
QUIETLY: # Die Gedanken sind frei
# Wer kann sie erraten
# Sie fliegen vorbei
# Wie nachtliche Schatten
LOUDER: # Kein Mensch kann sie wissen
# Kein Jager sie schiessen
# Mit Pulver und Blei
# Die Gedanken sind frei
# Ich denke was ich will
# Und was mich beglucket
# Doch alles in der Still'
# Und wie es sich schicket
# Mein Wunsch, mein Begehren kann niemand verwehren
# Es bleibet dabei
# Die Gedanken sind frei
# Und sperrt man mich ein im finsteren Kerker
# Das alles sind rein vergebliche Werke
# Denn meine Gedanken zerreissen die Schranken
# Und Mauern entzwei
# Die Gedanken sind frei. #
Sorry.
I've got something to say.
Er...
Even though I don't see you all very much,
not nearly as much as I would like,
I just wanted to say that I-I love you.
And this, um...
This family means the world to me.
And...
..I just love you all.
PIANO CHORDS DROWN SPEECH
# For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow
# For he's a jolly good fellow
# And so say all of us
# And so say all of us... #
Hang on, hang on, hang on, we're nearly there.
# For he's a jolly good... # Ten!
Oh, Christ! Nine!
ALL: Eight. Seven. Get a popper! Get a popper!
Six. Five. Four.
Three. Two. One.
THEY CHEER, POPPERS POP
# Should old acquaintance be forgot
# And never brought to mind?
# Lang syne, my dear... #
Come on, Sham.
# Auld lang syne
# We'll take a cup o' kindness yet
# For the sake of auld lang syne
# For auld lang syne... #
Double the pace!
# For auld lang syne
# We'll take a cup o' kindness yet
# For the sake of auld lang syne. #
Happy New Year, everybody! Happy New Year!
THEY CHEER
Wow. Well done, darling.
Happy New Year. Well, that was some year last year, wasn't it?
Let's have a good one this one.
Is there anything up here? OK, wait.
HE BREATHES SHAKILY
You OK? Oh, yeah...
Just... Jeez, Colin. ..I need to get out of the car.
OK. One sec.
As quick as you can, yeah? I am, I am. Yeah?
Up here? Yeah.
That's it.
Ah...
I'm a prick. I'm sorry. Yeah.
Let's get as far away from these people as possible.
FUCK THEM!
MUSIC: Exeunt by Clint Mansell
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE